Hard things, 'Negative' emotions & the Positive Love in Grief.

I set out to offer something quick, touching - a quick quote that could ease some worry, and some questions about Grief being negative/positive/good/bad.. So much for that. Grief and emotion aren’t quips. They are deep running and messy and they matter. So instead, let’s give it some time and thought.

I regularly encourage the courage to show up for both the easy things of life AND the hard things.  Embrace and grow what is good and possible AND lean in and be present where it’s hard.   The debate of what to do about “negative” emotions, or whether emotions are good or bad at all is valuable and problematic sometimes too. 

There seems to be a struggle between two sides -  ‘Negative emotions have no place in life and we should look for the joy.’   Or does the world ‘negative’ make you cringe because all emotions are valid and important?  This is a trick question from me - I never encourage binaries, but these frame my thoughts today.

The awareness and capacity to take note of emotions, hard or easy, painful or good, is an important and sometimes messy step.   When trouble and trauma has been very present or long-time lingering, awareness, expression & acceptance can take much of our energy.   it can be all encompassing.   The idea that it could be mindful or categorized or eased is sometimes almost offensive when it is raw and deep and painful. 

This early experience and expression of grief is chaotic according to Dr. Mary Francis O’Connor Psychosom Med. 2019 Oct; 81(8): 731–738 . In her work she studied the coorelations of mind, brain & body impacts of bereavment in particular, and noted patterns of impact, progression, and severity.

In a sense, ‘everything’ is ruined, the brain patterns of living and being and existing are all broken.  The creation of safety and connection makes little sense when nothing works as it did.   Emotions can run a wide range, but tend towards painful or angry or exhausting emotions - real, honourable, authentic AND without judgement, they are negative in their impact on our bodies, connections, and sense of -wellbeing.   Dr. O’Connor points to rumination and avoidance in particular for their harmful impacts.  ‘Negative’ isn’t “bad” and it isn’t “wrong,” though it is healthy & wise to work towards easing such impacts; and the key is in how we understand “positive” emotions.

Some jump to the sense that cheerfulness, optimism, and pluck is our best goal, the aim of ‘positivity.’   It gets labeled Toxic positivity because it disconnects people too - it is proposed through disconnection from negative, or negative people or negative activities - aka - things that drag us down or suck our energy.   No wonder someone experiencing grief after loss, grief after trauma or collapse of dreams - no wonder they call that toxic and reject a labeling system that reminds them of negative/positive.  In this realm, grief, sorrow, dwelling on the past is tiresome and irritating, not honoured or reflective.  It’s perceived sometimes as a reason people disconnect and avoid a grieving person. It fosters a sense of shame. How hurtful that is as we understand grief.

So Grief isn’t bad, wrong, something to avoid… even while it feels negative and can impacts us negatively.  Why?  

Grief is an expression of love, and more:  It’s a ‘positive’ expression of Values, hopes, purpose & effort, dreams for us and those we care about.  Even when it’s angry grief, there is an element of hope lost, connection left broken, - a longing that love could have prevailed - likely still with love at its core.   And in grief, that love is dis-ordered - the patterns in our mind make no sense and don’t connect or express well in the face of loss and wreckage.   What ever can we do when all we know has fallen apart?

Grief is love and I’d argue the answer as always is turning towards it, surrounded with connection & safety as a container and reflective space. To notice it and why it’s there - feel the memories and see the connections that ripple out to seemingly simple things - a teapot that was used together, a garage once frequented by an estranged friend.  A scent or a laugh that reminds us of loss.  In noticing it, naming it and feeling it, we have another chance to express love and hope.   And then our minds reconnect things in a new way… we’re repairing broken things by adding in the new awareness that we are sad, and it’s accepted. It’s patched with self-empathy and sense of support.

Author Anne Lamott says: “You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”

Grief is as individual as each person, and each memory & pattern that must re-pattern itself.  It’s ongoing, up-&-down work, but when we allow it to be a loving effort, it reconnects us and re-patterns us positively - stress eases which is healthier, connection sparks with those around us, our values & efforts find meaning again in new places… opportunity and gifts unfold out of our new awareness.  We’re still sad, still grieving, still carrying sorrow… but enriched positively and on a way forward. 

Questions? I use among others, concepts of ‘positive psychology’ and Positive Intelligence in my world and work.   I ‘positively’ mean it in the fullness of being present to life and one another, and showing up with empathy, curiosity and purpose.

~Peace, Carolyn